When Opinions Clash: How to Disagree Well.

Disagreement at work is inevitable – and often, very useful.  Workplaces and teams that are completely harmonious are usually making bad decisions.  And they are probably not ready for disruption and change.

Surfacing tension and having difficult conversations can be incredibly useful.  Good confrontation leads to better understanding, stronger relationships, and the best possible decisions and outcomes.

Many corporate leaders KNOW this, but still avoid confrontation like the plague… Why?  Because we all know that surfacing tension comes with risk – we don’t want to make things worse. “I don’t want to say the wrong thing” is the number one reason I hear from my coaching clients for putting off a tricky conversation.   We all know that when we feel strongly about a topic, it’s easy for the conversation to become heated and that’s when we can lose clarity and control.

I get it – that’s a legitimate risk that needs to be managed. So, here’s a model I offer my clients in that situation – the ‘Five Team Toxins’

The Five Team Toxins is one of the most useful frameworks I’ve uncovered for keeping confrontation positive.  It comes from CRR Global, and draws on the work of relationship experts Julie and John Gottman.

It names five specific behaviours that derail trust, connection, and collaboration in relationships and teams.

These behaviours are very common.  I’ve never met a team, relationship or family entirely free of them.  The presence of these behaviours does NOT automatically indicate that a person or team is ‘toxic’ – we need to be careful about the overuse of that label.  But awareness of the team toxins helps us catch ourselves, and each other, in the moment, and course-correct, before lasting damage is done.

Let’s explore the five toxic behaviours and the practical, often counterintuitive, tools we can use to counter them.

They are:

1. Blame: Attacking the person rather than the behaviour; being critical, domineering or harsh.
2. Defensiveness: Refusing to take responsibility for one’s own behaviour, or not being open to influence.
3. Contempt: The opposite of respect, contempt is defined as “the feeling that a person or a thing is worthless or beneath consideration”. It can include disinterest, sarcasm, belittling, cynicism, name-calling, hostile humour, hostile gossip, and belligerence. The most damaging of the toxins; this is the one that the Gottmans looks for when assessing a relationship’s odds of longevity.
4. Stonewalling: Avoidance, uncooperativeness or fake compliance, passivity, disengagement, withholding. Not being open to influence.
5. Flooding: Emotional overwhelm which (temporarily) deskills.

Here’s more about each of the toxins, including some ideas on countering them:

 

Blame

Blame attacks the person rather than the behaviour. It often shows up as criticism, harshness or domineering speech. In teams, it tends to create a climate of fear and defensiveness, where people avoid taking risks or admitting mistakes.  Rather than looking at a problem as something to solve together, blame has us thinking of ‘us’ versus ‘them’, and attributing full responsibility for a problem to ‘them’.

Just last week, I went into full blame-mode with my husband and daughter, venting frustration about an untidy kitchen.

Tired and grumpy one morning, I said, “It’s so selfish of you to leave me to with all the mess!”

Unsurprisingly, that didn’t go down well.

When we’re caught in blame, what we’re often expressing a need, but in a way that pushes others away.

 

How to shift blame into something constructive: 

If you are the person resorting to blame, get curious about the hope or request beneath your complaint. There’s almost always something there. What’s the underlying concern or unmet need?  How can you turn the blame or complaint into a neutral request?

Try “I feel…” or “I wish…” statements. For example: “When I find dirty dishes, I feel taken for granted. I wish we could find a way to share the boring jobs.”

Before assigning judgment about what is going on for the other person, replace furious with curious.   For example, was I correct in reading that my husband expected me to attend to the dirty dishes?  Or did he simply see the task as low priority, or one that he could get to later?  What else might have been happening for my husband and daughter in that moment that was genuinely more important than washing dishes?

If you feel blamed, name it.  Ask for the complaint to be turned into a neutral request.

 

Defensiveness 

Have you ever spent time at work defending yourself or your actions, or those of your team, feeling the need to ‘justify’ or ‘prove’?  It can be tough when we’re leading a team or function that’s underperforming, and we’re under the spotlight.  One of my coaching clients, Christie, was leading a big sales and marketing team.  Under her leadership, the team exceeded their targets for three years. But then something changed – suddenly,  the numbers declined.  Christie sensed it was much more a reflection of the change in the external environment than anything her team could influence.  But her caring, driven, innovative peer group wanted to help, and bombarded her with ideas for new sales and marketing approaches.  It was difficult for Christie to receive their ideas without feeling defensive, and that her own work ethic was being questioned. She found herself wasting time trying to prove how hard she and the team was working – a wasteful exercise.  When she became aware of this pattern, she was able to rectify and build much better understanding with her peers.

That’s one way that defensiveness can show up at work.  More obvious interpersonal defensiveness can happen when we push accountability and feedback away. It might look like justifying ourselves, pointing fingers back, or refusing to take responsibility. Sometimes it’s subtle: a crossed-arm silence, a deflection.

When we feel criticised, blamed or attacked, it’s only natural to defend. But defensiveness stops growth, both personal and collective.

How to counter defensiveness:  

• Ask yourself: What do I need to feel less defensive? Perhaps more appreciation, reassurance, de-personalisation, or a slower pace of conversation?
• Ask for what you need.
• Look for the “2% truth” in the feedback, even if most of it feels unfair or clumsily delivered.
• Breathe. Step back. Choose curiosity over certainty.
• Ask questions. Invite clarity, not conflict, by seeking to understand other’s perspectives.

 

Contempt 

This is the most corrosive of the five toxins. Contempt is the opposite of respect. Its about a sense of superiority – a belief that someone is beneath us. It can show up as sarcasm, name-calling, cynicism, belittling humour or even hostile gossip. When we feel contempt towards another person, we can’t possibly be in a healthy relationship with them. According to Julie and John Gottman, the world’s leading relationship experts, even the subtle presence of contempt is the best way to predict the demise of a marriage.   They have proven that contempt is the single best predictor of a relationship breakdown. When it surfaces in teams, it kills psychological safety and blocks collaboration.

Years ago, I worked with a senior leader that many of us (privately) referred to as “the wanker.” He’d earned a reputation for throwing his weight around, and on one Friday afternoon, called me to say I needed to relocate from Manchester to Sussex by Monday.

My shock turned to resentment, which morphed into contempt. I thought I was being professionally polite in my conversations with him.  But over time I realised my tone and energy were betraying my true feelings. It didn’t help the relationship, or my own wellbeing.

How to move from contempt to respect:

• Inject compassion, curiosity and respect. What pain or fear might be driving the other person’s behaviour?  The ultimate counter to contempt is respect.  When a wise colleague helped me see that my lack of respect for ‘the wanker’ was part of the problem, I was initially clueless about what I could possibly do differently.  I thought I couldn’t change my view of him, unless he changed his behaviour.  That turned out to be nonsense. A brilliant coach encouraged me to reframe my perceptions of him. This turned out to be powerful in completely changing the relationship.
• Change the lens. What else could be true about them?
• Seek to understand. Contempt makes us assume. Respect makes us curious.
• Avoid gossip. If you’re complaining to a third party, consider whether the complaint belongs in a braver conversation.

 

Inject Compassion & Curiosity

“Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something” ~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

In corporate life I’ve often seen a weird double standard about compassion. One of my clients, John, is a CFO who is brilliant at nurturing his team’s talents. He’s adept at giving constructive feedback based on both genuine care and thoughtful challenge. Yet, when it comes to challenging his own boss, John is considerably less gentle. He is willing to consider context when he’s managing his team. If they disappoint him, he starts with curiosity about what’s going on for them. But when disappointed with his own manager, he leaps quickly to judgment.

Why wouldn’t we have compassion up the hierarchy, as well as for those we manage? CEOs are people too. If John wants to influence his manager’s behaviour, he should replace furious with curious and put himself in the CEO’s shoes. What motivates them? What keeps them up at night?  When you start to see the world through someone else’s eyes, you can build the trust and influence you want.

When I dropped my perfectionist ideals of how I wanted ‘the wanker’ to treat me, it created space to see him as just another human being, rather than my enemy.  Being curious about what was going on for him was a game-changer that enabled me to stop taking things so personally.   I could see that he was experiencing tremendous pressure, and was likely wrestling some serious inner demons.  It wasn’t about me!

 

Change your Lens

 

Drop your negative filter. Notice your bias, and your negative assumptions, and consciously put them to one side.

In our coaching, Lucy tells me about a project she’d love to work on, but her CEO has been vague about getting it started. Without a clear response from her boss, or concrete information about his agenda, Lucy has created her own (somewhat contemptuous) story about what’s happening: he’s keeping the best work for himself. Once challenged to change her lens, to notice her assumptions Lucy becomes more open to other possible explanations for his behaviour.

As Brené Brown says, once we confront the story we’re telling ourselves about someone’s behaviour, we can consider alternative explanations and avoid compounding misunderstandings and miscommunication.

To build respect for your boss, reflect on the traits or quirks that you value or respect about them. Perhaps you admire their ability to cut through to the root of a problem. Maybe they’re adept at big picture thinking, or they have a really strong work ethic. Struggling to think of something? Do your homework. I’m sure you can find at least one thing.

Hold the positives front of mind in every conversation. Reframing helps you see your CEO as a whole person, rather than viewing them through a negative filter.  This will significantly improve the way you interact.

 

Seek first to understand, then to be understood.  

This simple wisdom is one of the ‘seven principles of highly effective people’ set out in Stephen Covey’s excellent book of that name. It’s such an important reminder, especially in moments of heightened tension.  When we feel desperate to be understood, we tend to over-focus on explaining ourselves, when what’s really needed is to patiently listen and understand the other person’s perspective.

The Gottmans offer a similar wisdom to Covey’s: Build understanding before seeking solutions.  It’s much easier to solve a disagreement when we fully understand the other person’s perspective – but so often we rush to solutions before we have full understanding. The Gottmans tell a powerful story from their own marriage which illustrates this point, in a podcast interview with Paul Brunson.

 

Stonewalling

Have you ever felt someone is avoiding a conversation with you?

My client Miriam, an articulate and confident CFO, experienced this first-hand. When her relationship with her boss the CEO became tricky, she was eager to clear the air. But he kept last-minute cancelling their one-to-ones. Increasingly, her only opportunity to connect with him was either in very rushed, task-focused conversations, or in large group meetings. She could feel their misalignment growing, but felt stuck on how to fix it.

When I asked if her boss might be stonewalling, Miriam started to understand the issue in a new way.

Stonewalling is disengagement or avoidance It can show up as not responding, last minute no-shows for scheduled meetings, passivity, silence, fake compliance, or emotional withdrawal. It often happens unconsciously, to avoid discomfort. But whilst it might not be a deliberate, conscious choice, it is still the quiet killer of positive relationship.

When Miriam explored with me her bosses’ stonewalling, she realised his avoidance of one to one conversation with her might be related to his discomfort with her directness. She realised that she’d inadvertently become part of a vicious cycle in the dynamic with him. Ironically, her (somewhat impatient) desire to resolve the difficulty with him was amplifying it; the more she pursued direct exchange, the more he withdrew.

 

How to deal with stonewalling:  

If you find yourself repeatedly avoiding someone – consider if you are stonewalling. If you are, identify what you need to feel able to speak – and ask for it.

If you are the recipient of stonewalling, remember that stonewalling is rarely a deliberate power-play. Sometimes it’s discomfort in disguise. Take a step back and examine your part in the dynamic. How is the other person experiencing you? It’s usually hard to recognise that we can be intimidating or overpowering, but this is often at play in a stonewalling situation. If you employ calm, curiosity and respect, you might be able to identify a more effective approach.

If necessary, consider the use of a neutral third party like a coach or mediator.

 

Flooding

My client Tim appeared to be a perfect senior leader when we first met.  He was supportive and challenging of his people in equal measure, and his engagement scores were outstanding.  However, when I got to know his team, I learnt that he had a reputation for being ‘scary’.  In moments of pressure, he would snap, becoming impatient and angry.  These moments tended to pass quickly so he lacked awareness of their lasting impact. But his direct reports described the effect – their teams would avoid direct connection with him, especially on controversial topics, and instead wasted valuable time using their boss as the buffer to Tim.

Flooding refers to moments of emotional overwhelm that block our usual ability to communicate well. It might look like bursts of temper or impatience, or uncontrolled tears, or shutting down, or saying too much too fast without clarity. Flooding temporarily robs us of our ability to listen, think clearly or respond well.

It’s a nervous system response – not a weakness. But when we flood, we temporarily lose our skill and things can quickly go off-course.

 

How to manage flooding:  

Typically, flooding happens when we feel under pressure to immediately resolve a situation, when the wise response is to stop and calm down first.

Giving ourselves permission to take a break and come back to the conversation later is critical.

Excuse yourself, breathe, regulate. Then return.

Practice self-awareness. What topics or behaviours are most likely to flood you?  If you know ahead of time that a tricky conversation is likely in a particular meeting, you can self-regulate in preparation.

Any activity that calms you (like taking a walk or meditating) will make a huge difference.

If you’re prone to emotional outbursts, try writing down what you want to say first.

It’s okay to have big feelings. Its usually an indicator of passion and commitment. But letting those feelings run the conversation rarely ends well.

 

Conclusion

Blame. Defensiveness. Contempt. Stonewalling. Flooding.

They’re all deeply human. You won’t find a team without them. But you will find high-performing teams that have learned how to recognise and work through them, together.

That’s the goal. Not to be perfect. But to build enough awareness, compassion and courage that when the toxins show up, we know how to clear the air before they poison the room.

If you are a senior leader who is keen to improve your work relationships, especially with senior people you’re accountable to, I have a gift for you.  My ‘Bad Boss Guide’ is packed with practical tips for senior leaders who are finding their boss (or board) relationships tricky.  It can be downloaded for free via the Linktree in my Instagram bio.